


The Healing Process

by REALMIKAMI



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga), Death Note (Live Action TV)
Genre: Angst, Death Note References, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Post-Death Note: Another Note
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-12-09
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:34:05
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,019
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27982368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/REALMIKAMI/pseuds/REALMIKAMI
Summary: Teru Mikami and Touta Matsuda run into each other year's after the death of Light Yagami. They work together to heal their trauma.
Relationships: Matsuda Touta/Mikami Teru
Comments: 9
Kudos: 16





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not many people know of or like this ship but I hope you enjoy this :)

Teru Mikami was an old soul. Or that's what everyone told him. He had a hunch it was just the trauma. If you knew him, you knew he had more than stained hands. He had a trail of darkness and blood following him at all times, and it had been for a year and a half now.

But he opted to stop thinking about that now. He adjusted himself, tightening his grip on the arms of the chair. Mikami used all the power in his legs to push his feet firmly into the ground. The more he strained, the more it hurt. This however was one of his only healthy coping skills. It made him feel real. Grounding, his therapist called it.

That's where he was now, waiting patiently for his appointment to begin. It should have started ten minutes ago but it seemed whoever was before him needed just as much help as he did. 

Mikami was staring at the door, and as if on cue, it opened. A man walked out and as they locked eyes something in the room shifted. It was as if the room was turning, slowly but surely becoming sideways. The air was thick. Almost impossible to breathe. Was Mikami's vision failing him or was the therapist's lobby filling rapidly with smoke? Everything was spinning.

Spinning.

Spinning.

Spinning.

Why was this feeling overtaking him? He didn't know this man, he was sure of that. Was he sure of that? Did he know for sure that he didn't know this man? He couldn't. He couldn't possibly know this man. 

But the man who stood tall and limber stared back at the man sitting in the chair, wide-eyed. He knew this man. And he knew him well. 

Teru Mikami. 

Kira. 

At least, one of them. 

A year and a half ago, the public prosecutor was arrested after committing mass murder, as well as arson. He killed hundreds and then burnt down an entire warehouse. After causing immeasurable amounts of pain and damage, he lost his memory. He forgot everything, while the families of the people he killed are forced to live the rest of their lives without their loved ones. 

But he got out of it scot-free. The leader of the case, Near, known to the world as L had decided that it was against their morals to punish him. Could he be prosecuted for something he truly believed he never did? That was Nears' point of view. 

Unexpectedly he was snapped out of his deep thought. His therapist's large, fatherly hand was on his shoulder while his other hand waved a cup of coffee in front of his nose.

"Can you hear me Matsuda?" he asked, worried by his sudden unforeseen dissociative episode. He'd been standing there, holding eye contact with Teru Mikami for five minutes straight now. Completely unresponsive. 

"I... I'm sorry. I'm fine." Matsuda stammered, softly pushing the cup of coffee from his face. He now realized everyone looking at him worriedly. The secretaries, the patients waiting in the lobby. Even other doctors have emerged from their quiet offices to see what was happening. 

"I'll be going now," he whispered, shoving his way through the crowd of doctors and slipping through the doors. His work shoes clunked rapidly along the asphalt as he bolted to his car. He tried as hard as possible but his eyes had welled up with so many tears that there was no way he could hold them back anymore. 

As he unlocked his car door and began to pull it open, the bell on the office building door rang. The bell that rung whenever someone opened or closed the door. The bell that was meant to welcome you. Of course, Matsuda would surely never feel welcome there again. 

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Mikami exiting the building. He looked around with such a panicked and desperate stance that Matsuda felt if he didn't hurry away he'd surely be a goner. He yanked open his car door and got one foot inside before he had been spotted.

"No, no no no no no," Mikami screamed, running quickly across the parking lot. 

Matsuda jumped in his small, dirty car. He was trembling so hard he thought he might vibrate right through his skin. He was nearly safe. He fumbled for the door to his car, and just as he was about to pull it close, a thin and boney hand pushed it right back open.

Suddenly Mikami was dragging Matsuda out of the car by his shirt collar. He was shaking too, Matsuda could feel it. 

"Please, please stop," he whined, trying desperately to get free from the man's grasp. His voice was breaking like he was a teen again. And he might as well have been, he felt so small at this moment. "What do you want from me?" 

"Who are you?"

Was that all he wanted to know? This seemed like a childish way of going about asking that question. 

"WHO ARE YOU?" Mikami asked again.

"Matsui! Taro Matsui," he yelled. He didn't even think about giving him his real name. Lately, he had been having issues telling anyone his real name. He'd made his own mother call him Matsui. 

"How do you know me?"

Matsuda could feel his grip loosening, but he still had him firmly pressed against the car.

"Let me go and I'll talk to you," he thought back to his police training. He needed to gain Mikami's trust. "I'm not going to hurt you. There's a gun in the glove box of my car, but it's not loaded. I have no way of harming you. You don't need to restrain me." 

He tried his best to seem confident, and as the anger in Mikami's face faded slightly, he knew it worked. He stood straight, brushing off his suit jacket. 

"I'm a police officer. I'm going to reach into my suit pocket to show you my badge now, okay? I'm just getting my badge." He made sure Mikami knew he wasn't reaching for anything else. He pulled it out and handed it to him.

Mikami looked at it closely, nearly dropping it from his trembling hands. 

Matsuda continues once he was sure he believed his words. "I was an investigator with the Kira Task Force. I was at the warehouse. I was," he begun to choke on his words. "I thought I was friends with Light Yagami. That's how you know me. That's how I know you."

He took his badge back and slipped it back into his pocket. 

Mikami sunk into himself. He started to sob and Matsuda watched in horror as hell fell to his knees on the hard asphalt. He seemed unphased by the impact as he slumped forwards, his head now pressed up against the soft of Matsuda's thigh. 

This is, unarguably, when he let his guard down. He realized at this point that this wasn't a dangerous man. Mikami was in undeniable pain, he was lost. Matsuda, at this moment, completely understands this. 

He took Mikami's head in his hand, sliding down his car to look face to face with him. 

"I know how much you're hurting. I'm hurting." He insisted. "If you'd be willing, maybe we can help each other."

Mikami tried to look at him through the tears pouring down his face. His lips were quivering and he couldn't speak, but he nodded. He let Matsuda take his hand and help him to his feet. 

"Meet me at Café Kitsuné tomorrow, at two? We can talk more. I think we both need some time."

Mikami solemnly agreed.


	2. Two

Matsuda sat in silence. He had only been there for five minutes, but he was beginning to worry Mikami wasn't going to show. 

He had dressed more casually today. He thought it might make him seem more approachable. Also, less grab-able. It took a few ironing sessions to fix the wrinkles Mikami had made on his work shirt the previous day. 

It was another twenty minutes before he showed, but eventually, a much more composed man than Matsuda had seen yesterday approached the table. He stood to greet Mikami. He had never been good with eye contact, so he had re-programmed himself after a lifetime of being told off for it. This time, however, it was more difficult. Mikami was wearing enormous sunglasses. They took up half his face.

"Are you alright?" Matsuda asked, unsure if that was an offensive question or not. 

"Fine," Mikami answered almost immediately. "Shall we sit?" 

It wasn't a real question. He took his seat before receiving an answer. Matsuda followed suit.

He found this situation extremely odd. Mikami was a completely different person from yesterday. Perhaps this was moronic, but Matsuda assumed he was, for lack of a better word, unhinged all the time. 

"Taro Matsui," Mikami annunciated each sound. He said it with purpose.

"Yes?"

"That's not your real name."

Matsuda felt every cell in his body freeze. Could he still have the eyes? Was it possible that through those sunglasses of his, Mikami could see Matsuda's real name floating just above his head?

"What?" Was all that he could force out. His thoughts were suddenly all miss-matched, going a million miles an hour.

"You don't need to tell me your real name," Mikami explained, "But I'm used to being given fake names. I know how to tell when someone isn't being truthful."

Matsuda let out a big sigh, accompanied by a small giggle. He should have known that. Lately, he had been jumping to conclusions quite quickly. 

"I'm sure you understand if I'm not ready to share my name yet." 

Mikami smiled. A very small smile, but a smile nonetheless. He said nothing but Matsuda could feel that he did understand.

He scooted his chair a bit closer to the table, sitting up and getting to the point. "So, was there anything you wanted to ask me? About anything."

The question wasn't answered right away. They sat in silence until Mikami found the right words. He was shaking a bit, and Matsuda could tell he was straining himself. Almost pushing his body into his chair.

"Why aren't I dead?"

Oh. A bit of a heavy question to start with. He wasn't sure how to answer this one. 

"Can I touch you?" Matsuda laid both his hands out on the table. Mikami looked down and stared at his hands for a moment, and without a word, he laid his hands in Matsuda's and let them be held.

"No one deserves to die. That was kind of the whole point of the Kira investigation. No one, no matter what they've done, deserves to die. You included."

"But you killed," Mikami stopped for a moment. There was a word stuck in his throat, and he was trying his hardest to not say it. "Light Yagami."

_You._


	3. Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapters! They will probably stay short because I have unmedicated adhd so it's hard to write for a long time. I'm glad you are enjoying!

_You._

That word stung. It was something Matsuda had to deal with every day. The guilt of having a part in his friend's death. 

"I don't think Light deserved to die. If I had a choice, he wouldn't of." He took a deep breath, ready to say something that he didn't actually believe. "But I didn't have that choice. I didn't kill him."

Mikami pulled his hands away, startling the cop a bit. He slipping them under his sunglasses, wiping away the tears that were welling up. As he rubbed at his eyes, Matsuda could finally tell the reason for the sunglasses. Mikami looked like he hadn't slept in months. 

"Oh my God," he muttered allowed. He didn't mean to say it, but the surprise caused it to slip out of his mouth. He cringed a little bit at his misconduct. "Did you sleep at all last night?" 

Mikami thought about it for a moment. He wasn't sure he even remembered last night at all. He had no idea if he slept. All he knew is that he looked bad. 

"I have trouble sleeping in my own home." This was technically true, he just didn't know if that was the reason he went sleepless the previous night. "I'm under surveillance at all times. Makes it difficult."

Matsuda thought for a moment. Would it be inappropriate of him to invite Mikami into his home? If he was careful about it, it could be fine. However, if anyone at work found out, he'd surely be in big trouble. But... It was a risk he was willing to take. If he could help give Mikami one good night of sleep, it would be worth Aizawa reprimanding him. After all, it wouldn't be the first time. 

"My house is camera free," Matsuda began, "just this once, you could sleep at my home. If you're okay with that." 

Mikami stared at him in disbelief. He wanted to say something but he had no clue what he could say. That was an extremely kind offer, maybe a bit of a stupid one. For all he knew, Mikami could still be a murderer. Did this guy have a death wish?

"You would invite Kira into your home?"

"Well, you aren't Kira anymore," Matsuda gulped, "right..?"

"Mm. Right." 

"Well, then it's settled! You can get a good night's rest." He sat back, feeling good about himself. This was a big moment. It'd been extremely difficult for him to let down his walls as of late. If telling someone a white lie once in a while could ruin someone's trust, you can imagine the trust issues Light Yagami had ingrained in Matsuda. 

He found it odd that of all people, Teru Mikami was the first one he was truly opening-up to. He felt anticipation build-up for his next therapy appointment. This was a great achievement to tell his doctor about! All of these wonderful feelings were building up inside him, and as though his body didn't have any more room for them, something came spilling out of his mouth. 

"Touta Matsuda." 

Mikami looked up. "What?"

"My real name is Touta Matsuda."

There was silence for a moment. This was something Mikami didn't expect. This man truly trusted him. No one had trusted him for a long time. Maybe this meeting wasn't as worthless as it seemed before. 

Was there a chance that someone cared for who Mikami was today instead of being scared of who was a year and a half ago?

Was there a chance Matsuda had finally found someone that he could tell the entire truth, without fear of them secretly being something to fear?


	4. Four

Mikami talked in his sleep. He talked, and talked, and talked. It wasn't murmuring, it wasn't quiet in any sense of the word. It was yelling. It was full-on sobbing. 

Matsuda had been lying awake on his couch for hours now, starting at the same spot on the ceiling. He couldn't help but wonder what the man was dreaming of. Nothing he was saying made real sense. 

Matsuda pushed himself up, swinging his legs off the sofa. His back was aching and he wished he would have sucked in up and slept in the bed with Mikami. That was a bit too much for him though.

During the Kira investigation, Matsuda was very close to Light Yagami. Now that he thought about it, Light didn't care about him. He was using him to gain trust, to make himself seem like a saint. But back then, Matsuda would have trusted Light with anything. Despite being older than the student, Matsuda looked up to him.

Since his 'friends' death, he'd felt like he lost the parts of him that made him Touta Matsuda. He felt like an imposter. Everything left of him was scattered in the ashes of the warehouse that burned down. And now the man who burned it was laying in his bed. 

Despite how proud he was of opening-up earlier, it was starting to feel like another case of Matsuda being stupid. 

He stood, only now realizing he never changed out of his day clothes. After quietly kicking off his shoes, he walked past his bed and into the bathroom where his phone was charging. He closed the door as to not wake Mikami, and huddled in the corner. 

Maybe this was a bad idea, but the phone was already ringing. 

"Hello?" They said.

"Hi, it's Matsuda..."

"MISTER MATSUDA!" They practically screamed into the phone. Well, as loud as an old man can scream. "How are you?"

"I'm alright, but, is Near awake? I need to talk to them."

The man on the other line sighed sweetly, "another willful request." 

There was silence as the man brought the phone to Matsuda's former co-worker. Of course, they were awake, they always were. Just like L always was. Matsuda has no clue how either of them ever functioned as well as they did. 

"Matsuda-san!" You could hear the smile in their voice. "It's been a long time! Why are you calling so late?"

Oh jeez, maybe Matsuda should have thought out what he was going to say. He clenched the fist not holding his hand, something he did when he was feeling stressed.

"I need to tell you something," Matsuda bit his lip. He wished he hadn't called. He could hang up, but knowing Near, they'd be at his door in seconds if Matsuda hung up with no warning. 

"Of course you have something to tell me," they giggled. "You wouldn't have called if you didn't."

 _Come on Matsuda_ , he thought to himself. _All you have to say is 'Teru Mikami is in my house.'_

_Teru Mikami is in my house._

...

"What do you want for your birthday!?" 

_Crap._

"Matsuda-san, my birthday isn't for months," Near said slowly. "Did you forget my birthday?"

"Oh, hahaha... My bad!" Matsuda pulled the phone away from his ear like it was burning him, hanging up and sliding it across the floor.

He was still squatting in that same position, his face now rested between his knees. "Stupid Matsuda," he sighed. 

He grabbed ahold of the wall, pushing himself and stepping slowly and pitifully out of the bathroom. His back still ached.


End file.
